Coping

I think i hate myself. Today i found out that i probably have a c in history for the term and i don't think i can handle it. All of the hard work i have put in doesn't matter. All of my A's in my other classes dont make up for my c. that is all my mom is going to see. Who cares how i did in everything else? I don;t understand how she can;t see that i already punish myself enough. She is always pushing me to be perfect and im not. I can't spell. I can't get straight a's. I can't balance every fucking part of my life perfectly without help. Somehow, after 16 years of her doing my laundry, I am supposed to just know that she wants me to do it. Nothing is ever good enough. Even if i get an a in everything except this class, it doesn't matter because that is all she will see.

I just need to keep writing. I guess i have kept it in for so long that this is just an endless stream now or something. I think the reason i am so unhappy is because i don;t know why i am so unhappy
I want to be happy. I want to love my school. But i can't.

Reflecting

I haven't posted on this blog in nearly three years... The fact that this blog is called soccerchic attests to my age at the time of my last posting. Regardless I must say the sheer age of this blog should hopefully protect it from most eyes. I thought about keeping a diary, but it wouldn't be the same. Writing on a public forum almost makes it seem more thoughtful to me. I want the idea that someone is listening, but I don't actually want anyone to read this. Does that even make sense? I feel kind of lost. There is this lump in my throat that hasn't gone away for the past couple weeks. I want to cry, but I don't know what to cry for. My life is fine. Im getting good grades and have pretty good friends. I think I just miss my old life. Fay was the best thing that ever happened to me. When I started going there I remember talking about my elementary school. I used to refer to it as "my old school." This maybe lasted for a year. I have been calling fay "my old school" for nearly three. I want to go back. I miss my old friends. I miss the security of it. Public school feels like a jungle. I have plenty of friends, but it isn't quite the same as having 10 best friends. I LIKED people knowing about my life. I liked knowing about everyone else's. I hate the anonymity of public school. Teachers don't care. Your friends don't care.
I hung out with people every weekend at fay. Tonight, SATURDAY january 12th, I watched a movie with my mom, who was sleeping. I have been working really hard to be happy. But it is so difficult. I feel like I want to go home, but have no where to go. I keep thinking that maybe I will be happy if i get a boyfriend, but I won't. That's because I have not had a good relationship since I dumped willy. What the fuck is my problem. I was IN LOVE with him. I can still say that. I have never been in love since and a almost feel like I never will be. I still have that fantasy that we will somehow meet up in college and end up getting married or something. I don't know, its stupid. I think I take everything too seriously sometimes, but I can't help it. It's just the way I am. I fall hard. and then crash