Reflecting

I haven't posted on this blog in nearly three years... The fact that this blog is called soccerchic attests to my age at the time of my last posting. Regardless I must say the sheer age of this blog should hopefully protect it from most eyes. I thought about keeping a diary, but it wouldn't be the same. Writing on a public forum almost makes it seem more thoughtful to me. I want the idea that someone is listening, but I don't actually want anyone to read this. Does that even make sense? I feel kind of lost. There is this lump in my throat that hasn't gone away for the past couple weeks. I want to cry, but I don't know what to cry for. My life is fine. Im getting good grades and have pretty good friends. I think I just miss my old life. Fay was the best thing that ever happened to me. When I started going there I remember talking about my elementary school. I used to refer to it as "my old school." This maybe lasted for a year. I have been calling fay "my old school" for nearly three. I want to go back. I miss my old friends. I miss the security of it. Public school feels like a jungle. I have plenty of friends, but it isn't quite the same as having 10 best friends. I LIKED people knowing about my life. I liked knowing about everyone else's. I hate the anonymity of public school. Teachers don't care. Your friends don't care.
I hung out with people every weekend at fay. Tonight, SATURDAY january 12th, I watched a movie with my mom, who was sleeping. I have been working really hard to be happy. But it is so difficult. I feel like I want to go home, but have no where to go. I keep thinking that maybe I will be happy if i get a boyfriend, but I won't. That's because I have not had a good relationship since I dumped willy. What the fuck is my problem. I was IN LOVE with him. I can still say that. I have never been in love since and a almost feel like I never will be. I still have that fantasy that we will somehow meet up in college and end up getting married or something. I don't know, its stupid. I think I take everything too seriously sometimes, but I can't help it. It's just the way I am. I fall hard. and then crash