Coping

I think i hate myself. Today i found out that i probably have a c in history for the term and i don't think i can handle it. All of the hard work i have put in doesn't matter. All of my A's in my other classes dont make up for my c. that is all my mom is going to see. Who cares how i did in everything else? I don;t understand how she can;t see that i already punish myself enough. She is always pushing me to be perfect and im not. I can't spell. I can't get straight a's. I can't balance every fucking part of my life perfectly without help. Somehow, after 16 years of her doing my laundry, I am supposed to just know that she wants me to do it. Nothing is ever good enough. Even if i get an a in everything except this class, it doesn't matter because that is all she will see.

I just need to keep writing. I guess i have kept it in for so long that this is just an endless stream now or something. I think the reason i am so unhappy is because i don;t know why i am so unhappy
I want to be happy. I want to love my school. But i can't.

Reflecting

I haven't posted on this blog in nearly three years... The fact that this blog is called soccerchic attests to my age at the time of my last posting. Regardless I must say the sheer age of this blog should hopefully protect it from most eyes. I thought about keeping a diary, but it wouldn't be the same. Writing on a public forum almost makes it seem more thoughtful to me. I want the idea that someone is listening, but I don't actually want anyone to read this. Does that even make sense? I feel kind of lost. There is this lump in my throat that hasn't gone away for the past couple weeks. I want to cry, but I don't know what to cry for. My life is fine. Im getting good grades and have pretty good friends. I think I just miss my old life. Fay was the best thing that ever happened to me. When I started going there I remember talking about my elementary school. I used to refer to it as "my old school." This maybe lasted for a year. I have been calling fay "my old school" for nearly three. I want to go back. I miss my old friends. I miss the security of it. Public school feels like a jungle. I have plenty of friends, but it isn't quite the same as having 10 best friends. I LIKED people knowing about my life. I liked knowing about everyone else's. I hate the anonymity of public school. Teachers don't care. Your friends don't care.
I hung out with people every weekend at fay. Tonight, SATURDAY january 12th, I watched a movie with my mom, who was sleeping. I have been working really hard to be happy. But it is so difficult. I feel like I want to go home, but have no where to go. I keep thinking that maybe I will be happy if i get a boyfriend, but I won't. That's because I have not had a good relationship since I dumped willy. What the fuck is my problem. I was IN LOVE with him. I can still say that. I have never been in love since and a almost feel like I never will be. I still have that fantasy that we will somehow meet up in college and end up getting married or something. I don't know, its stupid. I think I take everything too seriously sometimes, but I can't help it. It's just the way I am. I fall hard. and then crash

A Fresh New Start

Dear Listeners,
I know I haven't posted in awhile, but i am hoping to take my blog in a new direction. i will now be posting a blog about every day ways to make an impact on the community, not excerpts of my boring personal life. However boring a topic it may seem, I will be sure to make it very interesting and related to many of your lives.
Yours truely,
T4P

SUMMMMMMERRRRR!!!(Finally)

ITS SUMMERRRRR!!!! Time for:

-Swimming
-Going to camp
-Sunbathing
-Beach Dwelling
-GOSSIP GIRL
-Sunburns :(
-Tans :)
-FRIENDS <3333
-NO HW
-Freedom
-Swimsuits
- Shorts and tee-shirts
_pluss wayyyyyyyyyyyy wayyyyyyyyy more <3333

HAVE AN AWESOME SUMMER EVERYONE!!!!

This week was the week of our science fair so i have been to busy 2 post this week. My science fair apparently went well because i took a peek at the grading sheet (shhhh) haha and i got the highest grade possible, but i was so frickin nervous i couldn't even think. I don't understand how i did so well if i was stuttering thru my words haha but I'm not complaining. There were really good projects, but also there were really sucky ones like this one that was about i don't even know. (i didn't understand anything he said at all.) haha. The red and white dance is 2morrow and i am super excited! I think my school is the only one that really gets into their dances cuz @ my friends skool dances r 4 losers haha. I guess were losers then cuz they r so fun!!! lol. This weekend i signed up for 2 b a model for an organization called kidz helping kidz and its going 2 b amazing!!!!!! except that we have to buy our own outfits haha! There r a ton of girlz that signed up and about 3 boys lol. its going to be amazing and ben + henry r probably really pissed they signed up cuz they have 2 go 2 this thing on sat! its going 2 b sooooooo funny! Can't w8!!!

On another note: Narrowly lost our lax game to Applewild :(

xoxo,
Jules

Im back from Quebec and 4 the nxt few days i am going 2 b extremely bored. My rents were really mad about my report card which i really didn't do that poorly on.... My avg was 89%... Is that really that bad???? Well they went through all these things that really didn't affect my grades at all. they said that WV made me distracted. which i guess it did a little.... but, in my defense i really did try hard, i just had other distractions.. skool is definatly the most important thing.. and i get that..
On another note... Finally, The song Right Round by Flo Rida is not #1 anymore!! Thank GOD!!! I hate that song sooo much and i was kinda getting sick of seeing it all the time.. Thank the song poker face by Lady Gaga 4 that feat! Ok i HAve to Go so see all fay ppl on Tuesday!!

xoxo,
Jules